Posted @withrepost • @hey_sigmund When the brain perceives threat, the body goes into fight or flight. The perception of threat happens quickly and automatically. It will happen in response to threat of shame, judgement, disconnection (from a loved big person), humiliation, or yelling.
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When the body is in fight or flight, the thinking brain (the prefrontal cortex) is locked down. Yelling or anything that shames will reliably put the body in fight or flight which will swipe at their capacity to learn. The prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain that can learn, think through consequences, or plan a better way to do things. We need it on in our kids if we want them to learn - and yelling, or anything that shames or humiliates them will always switch it off. .
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The best way for our kids and teens to learn is for them to feel safe. The only way to do this is through connection. When they feel close to us, they get a juicy dose of oxytocin. This calms the fight or flight response and lets the prefrontal cortex switch on. The fight or flight response might also be happening independently of us if they know they’ve done something wrong, or if they’re fighting with a sibling, anxious etc. Connection is key.
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The argument that this is too soft, or that it won’t change behaviour is ridiculous and is based on behaviourism - the idea that we can shape behaviour by using external cues. This is one way to shape behaviour, but it’s better for pets than people. It will make children behave to avoid a negative consequence, but it does little to help them internalise the lesson.
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The most powerful way for them to learn is through their connection with us. There will be time for consequences later, but in a way that doesn’t reject them. Our children don’t want to disappoint us, but this their time to learn. .
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This does NOT mean we have to be perfect. They’ll mess up, and so will we. It’s ok if we yell sometimes - we’re human. The point is, we’ll always have more power and influence when we’re connected to them, which will give them more capacity to learn the lessons that matter.
